Conversations I Have with My Dogs Stop humping your brother. Stop humping your brother. I said stop humping your brother. Get your nose out of his junk. Why are you sniffing that? Did you just lick it? Don’t eat that. What are you chewing on? What’s in your mouth? Don’t wipe your butthole on my rug. Did you just poop somewhere? Where did you poop? Why are you licking that? Stop licking that. I said stop licking that. What is that smell? Who farted? Did your fart scare you? How did that come out of such a little dog? You don’t even eat that much. You’re sniffing something that just came out of your own body. Were you two just having a meeting? Has the cat been voted out? Wait, where are you going? That was the TV. There’s no one at the door. Stop barking. Stop licking the floor. Stop licking the couch. Why are you licking there? Sorry dude, your balls are gone. Your breath smells like ass. Stop breathing on me. Stop licking me with your ass-breath tongue. Don’t even think about it. Dooooooonnn’t. I said don’t!